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[27 Oct 2009|05:18am] |
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I want my family back, and not meaning them not being 3,000 miles away. I mean my real family. With a father in it. But I never will. Never.
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[11 May 2009|04:42pm] |
My opinion means something to him, and I don't like you enough. Sucks for you.
i cried
too loo rye
this is how it feels to fly so high
too loo rye
this aint nothing cash could buy, oh hi
too loo rye
tomorrow i could die
so im gonna climb the pines and have myself a time
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| Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Repeat. |
[19 Apr 2009|01:34am] |
The second hardest time of my life was brought on by the fact that I couldn't convince myself that I was good enough. Because I couldn't convince myself that I had something to offer. Because I couldn't get past my insecurities, jealousy, heartbreak. I couldn't step up, be the friend I could be, and say "Hey, this isn't what I wanted but you can't help it. I still love you and I'm going to do what I can to keep you in my life and be here the way it's meant to be." Because I over thought every little move, because I couldn't stand not to get my way, because I analyzed the entire situation and it consumed my thoughts. I got over it eventually, even if it did hurt like hell.
But this time around, the situation however similar, is also so much different. I never gave you my heart in the way I did in the previous story. I gave you my heart in a way that can't be given back. Because no matter that friendships end, you never want that little piece of heart back. It's never regretted. Every best friend that steps into your life had a purpose and a reason, no matter how short or long lived their stay was. So my heart is theirs, my heart is yours forever. You are attached to me like a limb, you're a part of who I am. I wouldn't want to go day by day without our friendship and because of this, this situation would turn out so much worse. I can't let myself drag it down with insecurities, I can't let myself feel anything other than happiness, I can't let myself analyze and whine over outcomes. I can't let myself destroy the things that mean the most because I'm not getting my way. And I can see it happening. The story unfolding is all too familiar, I can see the pages slowly turning in my thoughts..and I just want to rip the book to shreds. The thought of this turning out the way it did last time..it would break me to the point of no return. I got over it once after days, weeks, months past. I wouldn't be as lucky this time.
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[13 Apr 2009|11:02pm] |
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plan a new life. all the same, yet so very different.
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[06 Apr 2009|03:15pm] |
"Ten Things"- Paul Baribeau
Name ten things you wanna do before you die, and then go do them.
Name ten places you really wanna be before you die, and then go to them.
Name ten books you wanna read before you die, and then go read them.
Name ten songs you wanna hear again before you die, get all of your friends together and scream them.
Because right now all you have is time time time,
Yeah but someday that time will run out.
That's the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.
Think of all the things that are wrong with your life, and then fix them.
Think of all the things that you love about your life, be thankful you are blessed with them.
Think of all the things that hold you back, and realize that you don't need them.
Think of all the mistakes you have made in your life, make sure that you never repeat them.
Because right now all you have is time time time.
Yeah but someday that time will run out.
That's the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.
Name ten thousand reasons why you never wanna die, go and tell someone who might've forgotten.
Try to list the endless reasons why it's good to be alive, and then just smile for awhile about them.
Soon the sun will rise and another day will come .
Soon enough the sun will set, another day will be gone.
And right now all you have is time time time.
Yeah but someday that time will run out.
That's the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.
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[06 Mar 2009|12:49am] |
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"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own. If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, and do what needs to be done… It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to knwo if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to knwo what sustains you from inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
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[16 Jan 2009|01:37am] |
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“That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.”
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[03 Dec 2008|12:48am] |
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"There’s no heat in this house. I can’t breath with these words in my mouth. But I’m not going to say them, I’ve made that mistake before. On the stairs, she grabs my arm. Says, "Whats up, where you been, Is something wrong?" I try to just smile. And say, 'Everything’s fine'. "
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[25 Oct 2008|12:35am] |
Oh great
here I go again I'm stuck in this rut
and I'm not sure how to begin- should I tell you everything?
I'm feeling out of luck so I won't see you soon
'cause I know it's too soon for you to see me-
if this is the last thing you do just tell me that it's o.k.
for me to have these feelings for you
and that it's normal to want to call you.
Oh I'm dialing the phone and I'm letting it ring for hours
and I'm pretending to hear your voice-
Why does my heart always beat before yours does?
After a while you can make yourself believe in almost anything,
so I'm making myself believe in you.
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[08 Oct 2008|08:57pm] |
"i'm stopping this slow death, by letters never sent. i'm killing one way romance. and its words never read. i'm leaving love's lost battles, to the vulture's need to feed. i'm leaving you. i'm leaving them. and learning to be me. heart is everything. heart is you. love is you. hell is you. loss is you. heartless."
I won't be updating here anymore- much, I'll probably still creep and comment.
teslanicolereese.blogspot.com, having both is kind of pointless, I've been writing on my blogspot more lately anyways, this livejournal's been around for 4 years and it's time for something new.
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[07 Oct 2008|02:01am] |
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I drive myself crazy over the littlest things that tend to clear up easily and not even matter.
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[04 Oct 2008|11:34pm] |
This weekend was good, for once. the next week should be horrible, and I don't really have any plans for awhile, which makes me unbearably sad for some reason. Last night I hung out with Dara and her friend Alex. Dara's dad treated us to dinner so we went out to Ruby Tuesday's and walked around the Concord mall for a bit and then went to blockbuster and bought like 10 movies. We watched two of them in their movie theater, haha and just had a wonderful night because I don't think I stopped laughing for more than 2 minutes once. Moths in the car, getting scared in the bathroom, kids with face paint, I'm glad I have friends I can have stupid fun with again. I worked in the day today, then met up with the boys and Dara at the grange. I think my period of hating that place is over, at least for now. It's bound it come back again because it always does..but I actually had a really good night despite how frusterated I am right now. Why can't you see that every look I throw your way is me begging you to let me in?
What I hate? the fact that I had such a fun weekend, and good night just a few hours ago, and yet right now I'm back to hating everything and I just want to cry. I keep waiting to stop feeling like this all the time, and it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.
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[30 Sep 2008|10:57pm] |
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The people in my life these days seem to be my age and older, which is different than the past year, and I'm pretty glad about that. Hostile feelings aside, I'm extremely glad that I'm going to be around some friends and friendly faces tomorrow night for Algernon Cadwallader. Though if anyone I don't like even tries to stand in front or near me of ALL bands, I will unfortunatly have to run them over after the show. I'm still bummed they're playing Delaware to begin with.
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[30 Sep 2008|12:37am] |
I am completely obsessed with a German kid in my intro to design class on Monday nights. We WILL be best friends.
Tyler's got me really excited to go to some place in Maryland called Milburn Orchards. Apparently there's everything Autumn-y there, and a Corn Maze, and Apple Picking. Definitely going!
I am so ready for my trip back home. Jessica, Eva, Laura, Ashley, Sarah, Ashlee, Betsy, Joe, Vanessa, Nicole, Niki, Shanie, Andrew, Tatianna, Katie, Joseph, Kayla. Then to Arizona to see Cecily and Kellie. All the people I left behind, I need a few days and nights with them, It's been too long. I need a few days and nights walking around the city by myself, walking down the beach, sitting on the side of Palos Verdes looking at Los Angeles burning miles into the distance. I need to eat food from my grandma's restaurant, feel the sand on 2nd st between my toes, and go to a show at Chain Reaction. I can't go this long with out it.
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[29 Sep 2008|03:08pm] |
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I'd really love to fall asleep right about now, and wake up when the year is over.
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[27 Sep 2008|10:00pm] |
"Social anxiety is a term used to describe an experience of anxiety regarding social situations and being evaluated by other people. It occurs early in childhood as a normal part of social functioning. People vary in how often they experience social anxiety or in which kinds of situations. It can be related to shyness or other emotional or temperamental factors."
A whole lot of my life has just made a lot more sense.
ps- I just feel the need to let everyone know how much I HATE GPS.
Last night was one of the top 5 best nights of my life.
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[25 Sep 2008|08:25pm] |
I never updated about the rest of last weekend. Saturday I had plans with Dara and Tyler and it kind of all feel apart, but I ended up spending the night at Dara's anyway. I'm glad, It was so much fun. We got into this whole paranormal/scary shit mood and watched Paranormal, haha and then kept watching various odd scary movies that were on demand. Some shit was fucking weird and we got bored within 5 minutes. I fucking love going to her Dad's though, food is so good haha. I tried pretzels with cream cheese for the first time, we ate that, and made a huge bed on the floor. The next day we just layed around most of the morning talking and watching The Hills. I seriously love that girl and have definitely been needing a friendship like that. That night, sunday, while everyone was going to Zoe's party or Stereo Jackson's show..I decided against it all and went by myself to Philly to see The Bouncing Souls, and I'm real glad I did. Theyre one of my favorite live bands, although I'm pretty sure the hearing in my left ear is fucked for good.
This week's been real dull. School and nothing else, like usual. I did get my paycheck today, woohoo $180. And I'm fucking stoked on this weekend. Circa Survive tomorrow at the church, Photoshoot with Alex Saturday morning/afternoon, getting my hair done, Ryan's 21st saturday night-sunday, waking up to an amazing breakfast I'm sure + cleaning the William's house, and then going to see RENT on Broadway in Theatres with Dara.
This post is for nothing other than me keeping my life written down so I can go back and remember everything I've ever done.
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[25 Sep 2008|03:58pm] |
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I am so unbeliveably bummed about Algernon playing Delaware.
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[20 Sep 2008|11:48am] |
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Did you forget that yellow bird?
How could you forget your yellow bird?
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[20 Sep 2008|12:22am] |
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Today Garrett and me took the train to Philly to go to the Art Museum (where there is far too much furniture) but the recent centuries and modern/contemporary
pieces were wonderful, I'm really glad we finally went. After that we went to Moore and I got to see Stacy, we got food, and then took the train home.
We walked so much altoghether through the day, it was gooood. The rest of the weekend should be as well.
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